Dreams, decisions, disappointments, determination…
I’ve been in Brazil for just over a month and in Jeri exactly one month.
People ask me about Jeri, and I cannot be subjective. That’s the first thing I tell them. Jeri is my paradise, my home and my refuge. My safe place, my inspiration, my tranquility. When I arrived on the 1st of September I realized it was the first time in months that I was again completely and absolutely alone. Having my own home, my privacy and my ‘me-time’. So precious and so risky at the same time.
When I am here I have time for myself. Time to think; distracted enough to lose my balance and peaceful enough to find it again. Time to make decisions, dream and plan. Time to change my decisions, rethink things and start all over again. Isn’t that what life is, afterall?
I used to be so hard on myself. Once I would make a decision – as simple as to, say, go running at 4pm, I felt like it was a contract made with the Universe. If for any reason I wouldn’t go running at 4pm, I would consider it a failure already. Lately, I’ve been more conscious, learned to love myself a bit more. Sometimes. Not always. But at least there are those times that I think I am on the right path. In the past I would let others judge me and would be gutted every time I was criticized. Now, I don’t give a damn about what people say anymore, but I do judge myself. I have these long days and nights of self-reflection, reassessing my decisions, my actions, my words. Retrospectively, I don’t always approve of what I did, but in the same time I allow myself to be me. This is who I am. I am not perfect. And I am still to meet a perfect person in my life. The mere realization of this fact is… I’m in a lack of words here. It’s like one of those pills you take for high blood-pressure. Whenever I bring this thought in my mind, I find my breathing again, my heart returns to its normal beating. Does this make sense?
I keep reminding myself that everything can change in a matter of minutes, days, a month or a year. I am definitely not the person I was yesterday, I am not the person I was last month, and God knows I am not the person I was a year ago. Thinking of how this all started, what I have been through, is like a slap in my face. A wake up call. I cannot know what will happen tomorrow, I definitely cannot come close to imagining my life in a few months or years. Last year, on October 1st, I was judging at the Lowlands Throwdown CrossFit competition in the Netherlands. I was getting ready to compete at the Greek Throwdown in November and sorting out everything while preparing to embark on this journey. I could never have imagined where I would be one year later. I was through my excel file to see where I was on October 1st and realized I messed up the Day # so I thought my 1-year anniversary of traveling was on 18 September, when, in reality it is on the 7th of November. Even better! I kinda missed out on the opportunity to celebrate the first birthday of the new Me, so I am given one more chance to make it up. There’s always a good reason to celebrate life!
So, those 4Ds… Dreams, Decisions, Disappointment, Determination.
In a way I think that is the whole cycle of life. Maybe the order changes a bit from time to time, but this is what my life feels like.
I dream of the future, I dream of situations that I would love to experience that would make me happy, of people I would like to share my life with that (I think could) make me feel happy, content and whole. Don’t start with the “love yourself first” bs. We are human and we are not destined to live alone. And, yes, I may have this need a bit more than other people, but I am ok with it. I’ve accepted it. I watched a video the other day, a TedX talk about vulnerability. It’s one of those things that I wish everyone would hear/read at least once in their life. One of the talks I heard that made me feel wiser when it was over.
While watching and listening to what the Storyteller had to say, I felt I am wholehearted. I am there. And it felt good. My conscious is clear. I am what I consider to be a kind person. I may be taking a lot of negativity out at times, but that’s on myself only. As I said, I am not perfect and there is always room for improvement. But. I live a wholehearted life, I embrace my weaknesses, I accept my failures and move on. Wiser, stronger, heartbroken or feeling defeated. Still. I move on. There is where the other D of my life kicks in. Determination.
But it usually follows a Decision.
I make Decisions.
Things never happen the way I plan them. No matter how hard I think before making a decision. No matter how hard I try to weigh the pros and cons. There are so many factors interfering with my dreams, which is only normal, since my dreams are almost never absolutely personal. Granted, I have dreams about goals I want to achieve on my own, but those seem to be just a drop in the ocean of my bigger, more important, life-fulfilling dream. And I feel lucky enough to have this sorted out in my mind. At least today. Don’t know about tomorrow.
So, I came to realize that one of my life-fulfilling dreams would be to raise a child. I feel I have so much love and caring to give, that I can no longer hold it all in. Obviously, I haven’t found someone who wants to take this on together with all the inevitable side effects. Cause there are plenty. I know I can be pushy and demanding and stubborn and too needy for attention and caring and love. But I also know I am a giver. You give me 1, I give you 5. Damn, I will end up giving my whole – which is also a side-effect.
Again, this is my decision to make, this is my risk to take.
I know having a child on your own is not an easy task. Spare me the comments on hardships, difficulties and negative things that come along with being a single mother. No hard feelings, I just know all this. I am not a parent, granted. But I have been a child. I have an opinion of my own as to what a child needs to grow up to be a happy, independent, good person. The decision I have make is to be open for this option in my life henceforth. Contrary to my beliefs of last year, when I was convinced I will no longer have a family of my own, a spark of hope has found its way to my heart and soul. Yet, I don’t expect to live the ‘happily ever after’ fairytale. If this happens it will be a jackpot and I will cherish it, of course. All I am saying is I am ready for the worse case scenario. I am ready to take on this responsibility. I know I have a support network, if needed. I have discussed this with my family (this, of course, includes Angie, my bestie, my sister and my guardian Angel). I have their unconditional support and love. And that is all I need to use as my safety net.
With Decisions comes Determination; and Determination can push you through a lot. Determination allows me to move forward, no matter the risks. Determination makes the goal more important than my fears and insecurities. Determination to claim my dreams and be happy.
This is not easy to write. I’m sure it will not be easy to hit the “publish now” button either.
But I am. Wholeheartedly, honestly.
And, no, I will not go to a sperm bank to get pregnant – not that there is anything wrong about this. I just don’t want to. I want to have my baby with someone I genuinely care about, someone I dare to love with the risk of being hurt or not loved back. Still, without having any expectations that he would stay with me all along the way (or at all). Cause, really, when you love, you almost never get back what you give. And its ok. Loving is in itself a selfless act, or at least it should be (in my dictionary). This is a risk I have taken a few times in my life already. To love and risk it all. Risk my career, my personal expectations, all in the name of love. And I don’t regret it. It has shaped me to the person I am today. I like who I am today, maybe not so much the hurt I have been through, but I now know it is all part of ‘the game’. You will have probably realized by now that I find myself in such a position as I write this. In a position to feel like this for a person, and not being loved back. And, believe me, it is a struggle. But it is also magnificent! I don’t mind losing my ‘freedom’, as some describe the fact that your mind drifts constantly to one person instead of focusing on yourself. I love my daydreaming, my emotions, my heart skipping a beat whenever I see him, get a text message or spend time with him. It is a strange situation to explain, and I will not at this moment. Suffice to say, I am in love.
Not easy admitting stuff like this in public. Especially when my blog has never included anything about my personal life, but maybe it’s time to open up more. Maybe now I am not afraid of being criticized. Maybe it’s also cause I know he will never read this (although he knows my feelings).
I’ve spent a year alone. I’ve spent a year feeling lonely. I still do at times, quite often indeed. But I know I am alive.
I know there is the 4th D as well. The D of Disappointment. Altogether, this fourth D can be around the corner too. I know this and I expect this. And it makes me stronger and more Determined. Still. The only thing I can write about this now is that Disappointment always leads to a lesson. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have all the solutions.
But I learn as I go along.