Sometimes when your feelings are so intense you start having expectations. Be it of a person, a place, a job… Anything.
I’m still struggling to decide whether expectations are a good thing or not. Maybe when they are of ourselves they push us to become more, achieve more, but they can put more stress on us too. Expectations of others could help keep the standards high, but also greatly disappoint us.. Shit, I don’t know, but I think I have expectations of Jeri..
I found myself in love with a place and I realized I am acting and thinking same as when I was last in love with a man. Thinking about it all the time with a silly smile on my face, daydreaming of the moments I will spend there, feeling blue that I’m 5 days away from getting there again and jealous of the people already enjoying ‘my’ paradise, hoping this feeling lasts forever… I could go on comparing Jeri to the love of my life, it’s just the mood that I’m in and I don’t think it will change soon!
Now I have expectations. I expect it to remain the same as it was when I first went there, I don’t want anything changed, yet I know nothing ever stays the same. Again, it’s same as when I’m in love. Getting so excited could lead to disappointment and I fear that so much!
When I got back to Natal to pick up my stuff, it felt good to have my own space and privacy again, still the next thought that came to mind was “wow, imagine how freakin’ amazing Jeri will feel when I’ll be living in my own apartment by the beach!!”.
I’m already planing my daily routine, my surfing attempts, training at the local gym, my groceries, breakfasts and dinners on my veranda..
I am even talking about it more than I am about CrossFit… and the tone of my voice when I speak of Jeri… I would’ve never imagined a place can do that to someone! I was riding the bus to Pipa and started talking to a guy, Raul from Argentina, who will be spending a month in Pipa. God, I’m sorry to admit this, but I felt pity for him! I mean, he did travel so far already, why not a bit further north? But I said nothing, maybe will find his paradise in Pipa, right? I am not objective… Yet, when we got to Pipa and I said I’m still happy I’m going to Jeri in a few days, he did joke about reconsidering his options hehe!
Anyway, I will spend a few days in Pipa, which I decided to visit since everyone speaks to highly of this place and it is only 2 hours bus ride from Natal. I have to admit I was a bit skeptical at first. Silly as it might sound, I didn’t want Pipa to be better than Jeri, didn’t want it to ‘steal’ my excitement for Jeri – and it didn’t, or I didn’t allow it to!
This said, leaving my home base at CrossFit Capim Macio was not easy.
The friends I made and the laid back mentality at the box gave me a good life-lesson and it wasn’t until last night that I realized it when talking to Gabriele, my friend and landlord in Milano. I was telling him that the Brazilian crossfitters I’ve met so far actually ‘have a life’ and don’t talk CF all the time! They go out, dance, have parties, surf and can do all that without engaging into any CF related conversation! …and he said “they taught you you can have both! CrossFit AND Life”!
Maybe I missed out on the second part a bit lately, but I’m glad I found it again but I think it’s a combination of events that led to this new state of mind I’m in.
In Jeri (again, back to the love of my life) I found my ‘pause’ button. I finally stopped chasing thoughts or thoughts stopped chasing me.
Click on that pause button and I started appreciating the ‘here and now’. Click, and I not only let reality be reality, but even started loving it. Click and everything else stopped; everything except for the waves, they never stop.. They erase all negativity, cleanse the soul and give a new perspective to life.
Counting down.. 3 days to Jeri