This is not a post about CrossFit or fitness.
The past days have been so emotionally intense, and believe me, I am having a hard time coping. There are things I don’t understand, things I don’t know how to handle and, to top it off, I am experiencing new emotions, feelings I have difficulty even describing and naming. It would seem that once you are on the ‘train of your life’s firsts’ you get more first timers than you’d expect. Which is not bad, don’t get me wrong, but how do you manage the unknown?
Again it seems to be all about balance.
How can I bring balance to tears of joy and gratitude vs. tears of sadness? I have never been so split emotionally in my life. I am familiar with happy, very happy, sad or extremely sad, but not with all these at the same time! In an attempt to find the positive side of things, I resorted to Mr Google and it brought up the first chapter of “Zhong Yong” (all new stuff here for me) according to which “delight, anger, sorrow and happiness” … elaborate the state of “enlightenment” or at least that’s what Zhu Xi believes. In this sense, I may be enlightened and not know it yet J There is definitely a lot more reading to be done here.
I’m acting silly, I know and people around me see it but are too kind to me to make me feel bad about it. I also know it is a way of defense. Making jokes to avoid crying. Denying the reality of sad moments to avoid feeling hurt, or lonely. Like Monday evening. Like Wednesday morning. Like in all the rushed goodbyes I’ve said the last days, the last hours spent with my friends at a burger bar, my last workout with my friends at UnScared. It might seem that I hurried to leave them (and I did) but only because one more minute would mean I would burst into tears (‘even more tears’ sounds more correct). Lately I am switching from crying to laughing and back to crying in a matter of minutes! This is definitely worrying, but you see, my life has taken a turn to where things keep happening all the time so fast.. I am trying to keep up with the new reality I have chosen and I sometimes don’t have the time to think about or discuss things that have happened. It is like sending text messages about your day to a friend that is on a 14hour flight and cannot read them or reply. Then, life catches up with you and when he arrives and reads them, there is no time to discuss them cause new things are already happening and they are all equally significant. And the ‘now’ is always (and should be) more important than the ‘yesterday’.
I will never tire of saying (or bragging about) have much love and support I have received from the people around me, expressed in so many different ways. Be it the friend that let me keep talking and talking about my adventures/concerns/fears/experiences patiently listening to me and accepting to become part of this emotional frenzy; the friend that opened their house to me; the friend that let me use their car to make my days easier; the friend that stayed longer at the box to chat; the friend that coached me and didn’t tire of repeating over and over again the same tips to help me achieve my goals; the friend that helped me solve last minute problems I was faced with… Only when thinking about how everyone plays a role in my life and makes it better or more difficult at times, was I able to become aware of the fact that I am also a part of this chain and obviously affect the lives of others one way or another. Realizing how big a thing this is makes me want to be the person that leaves a good feeling behind, the sweet taste in your mouth. Makes me want to give some of the love back. It is not always easy to see clearly what people around us need to be happier, and many won’t even dare reveal it when asked, but it is not always the things we see, is it?
I have asked my friends at the box and the new people that started coming into my life though my trips to write a little something in a small notebook I carry around with me and although I was only expecting a farewell or good luck wish, a smiley or a funny drawing, I got messages that warmed my heart, brought tears in my eyes. Some went to great depths and took quite some time off their time to write something. My sweet Josefa in Goch even dug in her library to find a nice poem to write to me in German… A friend of mine always says he prefers to keep expectations low. It pays off, big time! I love being to pleasantly surprised!
I know this is all a result of my initial decision to travel around and change my lifestyle. I am aware that if it hadn’t been for this life changing decision, I would have not experienced all these emotionally rewarding and uplifting feelings. I wouldn’t cry tears of sadness for leaving everyone behind, but it is good to realize for a change that tears of sadness can be the result of good things too.
It’s my last Friday in the Netherlands. I am flying to Thessaloniki, Greece on Tuesday morning. This is the last blog post written on Dutch ground – emotional again…
It is time for me to go into silent mode. Pre-flight mode, if you will.
What feels like the end is often the Beginning.
I saved the best for last.